Alone
by EmmaBoleyn12-01-94
Summary: A selection of Songfics about what Emma felt and a couple of others when the camera wasn't rolling.
1. Chapter 1

**Tears and Rain**

**This is taken from mainly Emma's POV (unless stated otherwise) its about what she thinks and feels during her break up with Matt. Anything in bold is being spoken otherwise its just what's going on in her head.**

"Shit" i thought to herself as i saw Matt was drunk. This isn't going to be easy but if he's drunk its going to be damn near impossible. He was talking to me but I'm not really listening. I hear myself answer a reply but it felt somewhat difference like it was my head not my heart talking. As i made way upstairs to have a bath i feel a wave of dread fly over me. As i take off my clothes and lower myself into the bath i feel the hot salty tears run down my face.

_How I wish I could surrender my soul;  
Shed the clothes that become my skin;_

As i watched the last of the water drain out of the bath part of me wished it could suck me up and drown my sorrows. I pick up a white fluffy towel and wrap it round myself. Then i pick up a smaller towel and wipe away the tears off my face. I put it back on the towel drier to dry. I slowly and quietly padded into mine and Matt's bedroom. I pull out some "lounge casuals" out of the drawer and slipped them on before tying my hair loosely in a bun. Now more than ever i wish that I hadn't married Matt. A marriage built from guilt and lies. What was i thinking, when was that ever going to work.

I think about packing a bag but decide against it after all I can come an get my stuff later-maybe when I'm in uniform with a colleague, he'll never dare hurt me if someone's there.

I tread cautiously downstairs and pause slightly before the end-this is it. I make a dash for it-

"**what are you doing"**

"**I'm leaving you"**

"**no, your not going anywhere"**

My whole body tense's as he flings me forcefully across the room. When he turns to face me I see danger burn in his eyes.

_  
See the liar that burns within my needing._

He comes towards me and I try not to cower in his presence, but after over half a year of abuse, lies and manipulation I'm no longer the strong assertive person I once was, I'm scared. I'm walking backwards but he's still walking toward me. I try to push him away but I don't have the strength. He pushes me back. He roughly grabs onto my collar and twists his hands. I feel it tighten around my throat as I start to choke. I'm knocking stuff of the shelves but I don't care he's coming up with nonsense. I can feel my head becoming lighter. He pushes me towards a side board and I pull the runner of. He pulls me to the floor. I hear Will and Smithy at the door, but its to late I cant hold on any longer. I stretch my fingers for the empty vodka bottle just as they push down the door. Using the last of my strength I hit him with the bottle. He grasp loosens but as he pulls closer I hit him again. He falls to the floor.

_  
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.  
How I wish I had screamed out loud,  
Instead I've found no meaning._

Smithy leads Will into the lounge. I stagger back shocked at what I've done. Will comes behind me as Smithy calls for an ambulance. He holds out his arms as I fall into them. I briefly hear Smithy but I'm beyond grief-what I'm feeling now, I think its rivalling death.__

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.  
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.  
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;  
Hold memory close at hand,  
Help me understand the years.  
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.  
How I wish I would save my soul.  
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.  
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.  
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and Rain.

Tears and Rain.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain,  
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.  
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Once the ambulance had gone and scenes of crimes arrived Smithy comes over to me and Will. We were in the kitchen and Will was leant against the fridge and I was leant into him the tears still streaming down my face. I feel weak and betrayed.

"**Emma"** to begin with I don't notice him, **"Em"** I look up at him.

_**Smithy's POV**_

_**God, I can't do this to her. I know she's innocent. I know she's not like that. I can't look into her eyes-I fear for the hurt I'll see in her eyes. She seemed so strong, but underneath she was crumbling. Its like a candle that's lost its flame.**_

"**Emma Keane, I arresting you on suspicion of Attempted Murder" I see her eyes glaze over as the tears begin to pour more freely. I can see Will tighten his grip protectively around her "you do not have to say anything but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you will later rely on in court, anything you do say may be given in evidence." I hear her fall to the floor and see Will bend down to comfort her, "I'm sorry Emma"**


	2. Chapter 2

**Have You Ever**

I look into Wills eye's as he pulls me up. He stares back at me as he takes hold of my hand.

"**Smithy, there is no way I'm cuffing her"**

"**no I don't think that's needed she's not exactly resisting"**

Will pulls my hand and I follow him to the car, he opens the door and feel a couple of cameras flash. Smithy tells the paparazzi to Piss off. Like there going to listen to that. I mean this is going to be a great story line, I can see the headline already "COP ARRESTED OVER ATTEMPTED MURDER OF CPS LAWYER HUSBAND."

Will shuts the door behind me and gets in the other side (so he's next to me,) and he reaches out for my hand which I pull away from his reach.

"**Oh Come on Em, its not my fault"**

"**I didn't say it was"**

"**come on Em you can trust me"**

"**Can I"**

"**What does that mean" **I know I'm being unreasonable to him, but part of me, however unreasonable feels that this is his fault.

"**Look, if you'd kept out of this I wouldn't be here" **i feel a hot tear run down my cheek.

"**Well if you hadn't clubbed your husband over the head with a vodka bottle"**

_**Will's POV**_

_**I can't believe I said that!**_

"**Look Em, I didn't mean it"** I thought him at least would trust me, believe me. I pull myself away from him and pull my feet up onto the chair and edge as far back as I can.

_**Wills POV**_

_**Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over  
Knowing there's so much more to say  
Suddenly the moment's gone  
And all your dreams are upside down  
And you just wanna change the way the world goes round**_

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody  
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry  
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby

(back to Emma)

I look at Will and realise that he doesn't mean it. I push my feet down and look at him. The silence says it all.

_Have you ever felt your heart was breaking  
Lookin down the road you should be taking  
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go_

Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together  
Back in your arms where I belong  
Now I've finally realised it was forever that I've found  
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody  
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry  
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby  
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking  
Lookin down the road you should be taking  
I should know, cos I loved and lost the day I let you go

I really wanna hear you say that you know just how it feels  
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see  
Even though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow  
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round

Tell me, have you ever loved and lost somebody  
Wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry (I'm sorry)  
Can't you see, (ohhh) that's the way I feel about you and me, Baby  
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking  
Lookin down the road you should be taking  
I should know, (I should know) cos I loved and lost the day I let  
Yes I loved and lost the day I let  
Yes I loved and lost the day I let you go

All too soon I see Sun Hill coming into view, before I know it Smithy's stopped the car and Will's opened the door. I unbuckle myself and stare up at the station.

**Smithy's POV**

**She's breaking, this isn't fair. As Will and I lead her into custody (she can't stand properly, for she's shaking to much.)**

"**What are you three doing here?" shit-the super "Emma your not even meant to be on" I glance at him trying to signal without words for him to shut up. As the three of us make are way to custody he looks even more confused. He then seems to take in the fact, "what Emma?" I nod and move further towards the custody desk that Nikki was manning.**

"**Emma Hinckley"**

"**What, Emma" she asked as though to confirm the fact. Emma looked downtrodden and was still crying into Will's shoulder**

"**um…attempted murder" Nikki looked up as she was writing, I add "I'll tell you later"**

"**but"**

"**well before you ask we know she's innocent"**

"**right, well um, look sorry Emma but I'm going to have to search you" she nodded.**

**Nikki's POV**

**I go round towards Emma and pull her arms gently up. I run my hands down her. I can feel her flinch as I go round her neck area. I pull away some of her jumper and see some marks "we'll have to get the FME to take a look at that" she nod's and I look her in the eye I can see that her eye's have dried up but are red and sore as I led her through to the FME.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Left Outside Alone**

Look I mean I know people are trying to help but there making me feel worse. I let myself fall against the cold tiled wall. What has happened? What have I become. When I was younger I wanted to get married-live a fairytale life. But that's what they are-fairytales, A fantasy. They shouldn't be aloud. They create false impressions, False hopes and dreams.

_All my life I've been waiting  
For you to bring a fairytale my way _

I thought I was so happy, I thought everything was right. But it was never right.

_  
Been living in a fantasy without meaning _

What's going to happen. This is the job I've always wanted to do, but now I could end up in prison.

_It's not okay, I don't feel safe  
I don't feel safe..._

I can hear people walking around outside and cell door's banging. I can hear Smithy and the supers voice in the distance.

_Left broken empty in despair  
Want to breathe, can't find air  
Thought you were sent from up above  
But you and me never had love  
So much more I have to say  
Help me find a way_

I wish Will was here now. I want something to pull me close and tell me its all right. Someone to say its all a bad nightmare and I'll wake up soon.

_And I wonder if you know  
How it really feels  
To be left outside alone  
When it's cold out here  
Well maybe you should know   
Just how it feels  
To be left outside alone  
To be left outside alone...  
_

Part of me wishes that I was still with Matt now, at home, in are warm bed, that's one thing I know however cold the atmosphere is my bed always seems so inviting. Maybe its because my dreams take me to a place that is not real, a world of make-believe. The place where the biggest problems are more to do with whether to have coffee or tea instead of deciding that your whole life you've waited for something and know its here its like a living hell.

_  
I tell ya..  
All my life I've been waiting  
For you to bring a fairytale my way   
Been living in a fantasy without meaning  
It's not okay, I don't feel safe  
I need to... pray  
_

I used to go to Sunday School, I went because my friends went. I never believed in heaven and hell, but now if your out there, whoever you are, if your really there your get me out of here.

_  
Why do you play me like a game?  
Always someone else to blame  
Careless, helpless little man  
Someday you might understand  
There's not much more to say  
But I hope you find a way _

I can't believe that bluddy FME "no conclusive evidence" god you can fucking see them. I wish there was someone else here. Its driving me mad. That's another thing what will Dad say. I hope he doesn't investigate. He'll probably throw the book at me (make an example.) It always been important to him, his job, but I'm still Daddy's Little Girl aren't I?_  
_

_  
Still I wonder if you know_  
_How it really feels  
To be left outside alone  
When it's cold out here  
Well maybe you should know  
Just how it feels  
To be left outside alone  
To be left outside alone_

I tell ya...   
All my life I've been waiting  
For you to bring a fairytale my way  
Been living in a fantasy without meaning  
It's not okay, I don't feel safe  
I need to pray

Oh pray  
(Heavenly father)  
Ohh heavenly father  
(Please, save me)  
Oh save me 

And I wonder if you know  
How it really feels  
To be left outside alone  
When it's cold out here  
Well maybe you should know  
Just how it feels  
To be left outside alone  
To be left outside alone

All my life I've been waiting  
For you to bring a fairytale my way  
Been living in a fantasy without meaning  
It's not okay, I don't feel safe  
I need to.. pray

I feel my eyelids drop as for the first time since we got to Sun Hill a hear runs down my face. If your there heavenly father, take me away, find a way.


	4. Chapter 4

**My Heart Will Go On**

**This chapter is from Will's POV**

I walk away from custody after the Custody Sergeant refused to let me see Emma, I can walk away but she can't she's trapped. It must feel like the whole worlds against her. I knew it was happening and I stood back and let it happen. I never lay a finger on her but I'm no better I never stopped it.

_Every night in my dreams  
I see you, I feel you_

I knew on there wedding night that I should have told Emma that it was Matt. I did it to protect her, or that's what I keep telling myself.

_  
That is how I know you  
go on  
Far across the distance  
And spaces Between us  
You have come to show you  
go on_

Even though I was with Honey she'll still be the one who stole my heart. It wasn't just a drunken kiss, meaningless and a come back but deeper than that, purer than that. I think she still loves me. I no she still loves me. Doesn't she.

_  
Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart and  
My heart will go on and on  
_

She must feel so alone, so desperate, it was only one time, but it lasts for a life time, it was special, I spent my whole life waiting for a moment like that.

_  
Love can touch us one time  
And last for a lifetime  
And never let go 'til  
we're gone  
Love was when I loved you  
One true time I hold to  
In my life we'll always  
go on  
_

But why should she still love me, If I loved her surely I wouldn't have let it get this far. I'd rather die than let her go to prison. I couldn't do it, let my one true love have her life turned upside down by a lying, manipulative bastard.

_  
Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart and  
My heart will go on and on_

You're here, there's nothing I fear  
And I know that my heart will go on  
We'll stay forever this way  
You are safe in my heart and  
My heart will go on and on


	5. Chapter 5

**Where is Your Heart?**

He wants to see me, I don't know why, perhaps to finish me off (but then again maybe that won't be to bad.) I mean it would definitely stop this suffering. Jo pushes open the door into the soft interview room. She lets it bang shut behind us.

"**Emma" **he says in the usual cold manner.

"**Matt" **I say as a kind of hello, He smiles a smug pitying smile.

_I don't believe  
In the smile that you leave_

"…**So you were in control the whole time"**

"**Yes"**

"**So you knew what you were doing"**

"**Yes"**

"**So you still hit me over the head with the vodka bottle"**

"**Yes" **I shout exasperated, that I click what I've said **"no, no, I didn't mean it, he twisted my words, I didn't mean it" **Jo opens her arms and I fall into them, Shit, I've really blown it. He smiles as he leaves.

_  
When you walk away  
And say goodbye_

Back in "my cell" Gina hands me a coffee.

"**for what its worth I believe you" **I nod, I mean I know it doesn't sound much but just knowing someone believes you, trusts you, supports you., **"but we need evidence to prove it" **god, don't I bloody know it.

_  
Well I don't expect  
The world to move underneath me  
But for God's sake  
Could you try?_

"**the door, I um he kicked it, he shut me in, um yes when I said I was going to leave him, he said I couldn't, um he flung me across the room" **my hearts racing-I'm on a roll, stuffs coming back **"he kicked it shut" **I finish triumphantly.

_  
I know that you're true to me  
You're always there  
You say you care  
I know that you want to be mine  
_

She left me to my thoughts to "go investigate." She says she's hopeful but I mean I'm a cop, I'm not stupid, I know how things work. I know what this look likes regardless of what happened. I wonder what Matt's doing now, is he thinking about me-did he ever love me or did he plan this all along.

_  
Where is your heart?  
'Cause I don't really feel you  
Where is your heart?  
What I really want is to believe you  
Is it so hard  
To give me what I need?  
I want your heart to bleed  
That's all I'm asking for  
Oh, where is your heart?  
_

I mean he's supposed to be my husband, to love and to hold, through the good and the bad, for better or for worse. He's evil, twisted. His love is so cold, so hard, so angry.

_  
I don't understand  
Your love is so cold  
It's always me that's reaching out  
For your hand  
And I've always dreamed  
That love would be effortless  
Like a petal fallin' to the ground  
A dreamer followin' his dream  
_

Someone should be here, here for me, to keep me safe, wipe away the tears that I cry, someone to love me.

_  
Where is your heart?  
'Cause I don't really feel you  
Where is your heart?  
What I really want is to believe you  
Is it so hard  
To give me what I need?  
I want your heart to bleed  
And that's all I'm asking for  
Oh, where is your heart?  
_

I want all my questions answered but there's no one to ask.

_  
It seems so much is left unsaid  
So much is left unsaid  
But you can say anything  
Oh, anytime you need  
Baby, it's just you and me  
Oh yeah  
_

You think we're bound together, but were not, you can say anything, any time. But I can't you still speak through me.


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank You**

**Last chapter!**

"**Emma" **I look up blinking, unknowingly I had fallen into a distressed semi-consciousness.

"**What"**

"**Come with me" **I follow Gina into the main office, Please say I'm not being charged.

"**Sign here"** She ask's pointing at a dotted line. I feel slightly confused than scribble down a signature.

"**here's your stuff" **Nikki passes me my stuff.

"**What, what's happening" **I jump as I see Matt, **"Why's he here"**

"**Emma, your free to go, Matt confessed" **I feel my heart stop, then it starts to race, faster and faster.

"**Emmie" **I turn to face Matt

"**don't call me that"**

"**emma" **he asks pleadingly **"did you ever love me"**

_The fights, those nights  
I tried to pretend it don't hurt  
The way, I prayed  
Someday that you would love me  
Really, completely  
Just how I wanted it to be  
But no, so wrong  
Can't believe I stayed with you so long_

You hit, you spit, you split, ever-y bit of me, yeah  
You stole, you broke, you're cold  
You're such a joke to me, yeah  


_For every last bruise you gave me  
For every time I sat in tears  
For the million ways you hurt me  
I just wanna tell you this  
You broke my world, made me strong  
Thank you  
Messed up my dreams, made me strong  
Thank you_

_  
My head, near dead  
Just the way you wanted it  
My soul, stone cold  
Cos I was under you're control  
So young, so dumb  
Knew just how to make me succumb  
But I un-derstand  
To make yourself feel like a man_

You hit, you spit, you split, ever-y bit of me, yeah  
You stole, you broke, you're cold  
You're such a joke to me, yeah  


_For every last bruise you gave me  
For every time I sat in tears  
For the million ways you hurt me  
I just wanna tell you this  
You broke my world, made me strong  
Thank you  
Messed up my dreams, made me strong  
Thank you  
_

_You coulda had it all babe  
It coulda been so right  
I woulda given you everything  
Morning through night  
Yeah, you taught me some lessons  
Those are my blessings  
That won't happen again  
Thank you_

"**I might have done" **I answer eventually **"but not know, I suppose I could ask you the same, did you ever love me"**

"**Yes, I loved you so much, I just wanted to keep you safe"**

"**What by destroying me" **I storm out of the front office but I hear Matt shout after me-

"**I loved you and I always will, I never mean't to hurt you or Nina, I'm sorry"**

I keep walking over to Will and Nina,. He's such a joke to me,. I can't believe I stayed with you so long. I look back at Matt theres no going back.

**How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on? When in your heart you begin to understand…there is no going back. There are some wounds that go to deep.**

**-J.R.Tolkein**

**Thanks for reading-this is a little list of credits I suppose (in order) Tears and Rain, by James Blunt, Have you Ever, by S Club 7, Left Outside Alone, by Anastasia, My heart will go on, by well I don't know but its from Titanic, Where is Your heart, by Kelly Clarkson and Thank You, by Jamelia. **


End file.
